I had so much written. Much like my Masters’ thesis, it was scrapped to make way for what my heart wanted.

RIP to the study about the inequitable civic engagement lessons in K-12 schools.

Whew chile, the 2018 of it all! Before I get too far, let me get this gem out—

“2018 was one long ass Mercury retrograde. Mercury needs to (said in auntie voice) SAT STILL and stop running around this house.”

2018 kicked me in the ass—hard, but I prayed for that—hard. Doesn’t the Bible teach us something about being careful for what we ask for? Seriously, I think that’s what Matthew was trying to say when (one of them) wrote, “Ask, and it will be given.” This year forced me, sometimes kicking and screaming, to #committomoni.

And on December 31st? I can finally say that I’m a whole person. I sincerely apologize to those who were hurt in the process of my journey.

While I was cleaning and listening to my 2018 list on Spotify*, I got the idea to write about what I’ve been through this year. Some y’all know, but not everything.

I can be private, reclusive even, when I want to be. You see, New Year’s Eve is my favorite holiday—it always has been. It’s the one night a year when I can actually stay up til, and sometimes past, midnight (those who know me know how much of a struggle that is), and represents a celebratory end to the year that was. That’s why I never really liked Watch Night services. Personally, I believe that our ancestors would be looking at us crazy for sitting, watching and waiting instead of celebrating. To me, New Years’ Eve is a home-going. Per the woman in the bar yelling in Forrest Gump’s ear, “It’s a time for second chances.”

So here we go. These are the things I’ve gone through this year:

-Divorce

Y’all already know about this one. Some think it’s easier for the “filer”, but it’s no easier to file and stand in the courtroom alone than it is to have papers served against you. Shoutout to my momma who spoke about her experience months later. I needed that.

Still, never in my life did I think I’d be standing in a courtroom for anything, much less as a plaintiff, but that happened this year.

The paperwork is kinda dope though.

-Knee Problems

You know that accident I talk about every year that makes you sick? Yeah, it finally reared its ugly head. I swear it was my camel pose that did it, but I pulled something in my knee. Because I’m Natalie’s granddaughter, Brenda, Sharon, Debbie, and Pam’s niece, and Janet’s daughter, I fought through. I applied superficial treatment to something that was much deeper. It’s the reason I couldn’t dip it low for 6-7 months later.

I now have the orthotics that I’ve needed since ’95. Been finding reasons to get my eagle on ever since.

-Mental/Emotional

pt. 1: I went to a therapist twice a month until July when she moved back home. I’m grateful for therapy, and until I can find a Black woman who is accepting clients and accepts my insurance, I’lll keep searching. Anyway, there was some time after when I called the suicide hotline. It may have worked for others, so please don’t take this as a negative review, but my friends were much better outlets. There were times when I know I was immediately more damaged than helped, but I’ve come to so many realizations about myself and my past, that I wouldn’t trade that. I had to first learn to be vulnerable.

I learned to open up.

Something I thought I was doing.

But wasn’t. I showed people who I wanted them to see. I saw who I wanted to see.

That’s crippling.

pt. 2: I let others steal my voice. I knew what I wanted to say, but fell into the trap of worrying about what others would think. I was told that I should stop talking about my divorce, what I went through—and I BELIEVED IT! Y’all, it hasn’t even been a year yet.

Oddly enough, I draw some inspiration from my ex-sister-in-law, who always speaks her mind.

I decided to start listening to y’all about my writing. It took forever, and I fought it, but I am truly thankful for those who kept reminding me (sometimes not nicely) of my voice. I cried a mighty cry to our Creator a month ago, and finally gave myself over. Trust that everything I write, every word, God is cool with. So chill.

pt. 3: I rushed. True to character, I rushed to get back to Monica. I spent way more time than I should have and smiled when I shouldn’t have. I rushed my healing. Physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

pt. 4: I let another hurt me. I don’t even think it was intentional—it was learned. But that’s not something that I have the time or energy to unpack.

My empath is healthy. She knows how to protect herself.

-Professional

In my 9-5, my god the year! For the first time in my professional life, I felt powerless. I was told not to say anything to people who were clearly disrespectful because I’d be “subordinate” (intentional quotes—one person is a peer, the other is like the sibling of my supervisor. Neither are my superior). She wouldn’t want me to call her out, but I’m truly grateful for the one who would see my face, sense my energy, and start a casual conversation. Actually, I’m grateful for the two who’d do that. It got me through the attacks felt from my other co-workers who, when I decided to put my foot down, felt they could snitch to my boss. I’m still enduring that.

Still, I’m more assertive, and sure of my voice.

I’m not tap dancing for anyone. But myself. And Savion Glover.

-Spiritually

All you need to know, is that I am firmly solid with my Creator. I don’t have to perform religious traditions to do so. At the risk of being cliche, I’m more spiritual than religious, it’s just that this time I know what that means.

I saw a tweet earlier that said that 2018 was the initiation. 2018 was my initiation to Monica.

I’m sure you’ll get more details at a later date, but I want to get up and dance. And celebrate the death of 2018.

*I would really love to have a licensed psychologist analyze this list for me. I have my theories and want to see if they’re accurate.