The good thing about being in (close to) complete solitude is that I have time to think. To process. Lunchtime is the best. I'm in my apartment, alone, with nothing but my pen/pad (by pen/pad I mean the "notes" app on my phone) as my companion. I've written a lot during lunch, and it's amazing what my brain thinks of during that hour.

This is something I originally wanted to write last year when I turned 30. You know all the "30 lessons to learn before 30" published articles/posts? Yeah, I wanted to lend my voice to that topic. The universe had other plans. May 2, 2017-May 2, 2018 showed me more than I expected, and now I understand why I was forced to wait.

Here are my lessons to learn:

"Lessons on love that 31 years of living have taught me"

1. Choose yourself first.

Those who are for you will encourage that because they will understand that, in order for you to give the love and support they need, you need to be complete. You cannot be complete without first choosing yourself and your happiness. I promise you won't regret it.

Addendum: Take time to learn yourself and what you truly like/dislike. Don’t base it off what others say you should like/dislike. You know yourself better than anyone, trust your instincts.

2. Love. Hard.

Although this leads to more devastating heartbreaks, it also makes you a stronger and more empowered FULL human being. You won’t notice it through your tears, but when the sun reappears (and I’ve found that it’s shortly thereafter), you will feel better knowing you gave your all.

3. Good times do not a good relationship make.

Good relationships, STRONG relationships, are made during the bad. It’s how you go through the bad and come out that truly builds your relationship. You can have good times with anyone (just ask me, I can give you examples from all my exes), but as Jessica Lange’s character said to Halle Berry’s in “Losing Isaiah” (as weak as this comparison may be), “Any animal can give birth, that doesn’t make it a mother.” You can have good times with anyone, that doesn’t make them your soulmate.

3a. It took my marriage and subsequent divorce to finally learn that I shouldn’t get caught up in the "good." (Did we not learn anything from Childish Gambino’s “This is America”?) When you allow yourself to be distracted by the good, you ignore the chaos, sirens, and signals going on in the background.

3b. Don’t ignore the red flags. They’re there for a reason.

Leading me to my next point...

4. Band-aids only work on human skin.

Shortly after undergrad, I worked in an office (identifying information withheld to protect the innocent). On the carpet of said office sat a big bleach stain. The person whose office in which I worked, instead of replacing the carpet, simply covered it with a rug (it wasn’t a money issue...before you ask). The problem with this “solution” was that after a while, given the office traffic, the rug would begin to shift, and the stain would show itself.

Fix your problems, don’t apply a band-aid. You're only prolonging the inevitable. Say it with me, "Band-aids only work on human skin."

5. Don’t turn bitter. It’s not cute, and it’ll give you ulcers.

6. Find someone who matches your “fly.” And no, “fly” is not just limited to physical attributes.

7. Compatibility cannot be learned. It either is or isn’t.

8. Take your time. This is one that I’ve struggled with; I’m willing to admit my flaws... but I’m learning the beauty in patience.

9. In telling my brother, who can behave more like a father at times, that I was getting married, one of his first questions was, “Who are his people?” He didn't mean this in an elitist way at all, he just wanted to know what kind of family I'd be marrying into. If you’re thinking about marriage or just getting serious, make sure you know their family and its dynamics. No matter how different they may seem, these are the people who shaped the one you love, and the similarities, despite how few, will eventually show themselves. The question you have to answer is...

Can you deal with that?

10. My paternal grandmother said it best, “You can’t re-raise him.”

Sure, she was talking to my mother, her then daughter-in-law at the time, but the advice is still solid. No matter what you think of how your partner’s parents raised them, you cannot redo or undo their job.

11. It’s not about what others can handle, but what you can handle. This has the potential to get murky, and I’m not advising anyone to remain in an abusive or toxic relationship (reminder: abuse comes in MANY forms, not just physical), this is only relevant to the basic quirks that your partner may have that your friends’ partners don’t. It’s not about your friends and what they can handle. Know YOUR dealbreakers. That’s what matters.

12. Shoutout to my brother, Sean (the one from above), who gave me this gem more than 10 years ago— Do not fixate on whether or not someone is cheating on you. They either are or aren’t, and you worrying about it won’t change a damn thing.

Addendum: Unless you are prone to paranoia, if you feel that there’s something to question, there usually is. Don’t ignore that feeling.

13. Old-school advice*: To my cis-hetero ladies, study the relationship your man has with his mother. He will NEVER treat you better than he treats her. He may treat you worse, but will never treat you better.

14. Old-school advice*: Never love a man more than he loves you. This, although told to me about 15 years ago when I first started really dating, I’m still struggling with (see point 2 for the reason). But ladies, no matter how feminist we may want to be and no matter how feminist HE may say he is, this is still true. They love the chase, it’s an unfortunate truth, but one all the same. Until society changes, protect your heart.

And finally...

15. Learn the lessons. As philosopher Carrie Bradshaw once said (I’m paraphrasing), “Your 20s are to enjoy yourself, your 30s are to learn the lessons, and your 40s are to pay for the drinks.”

I’ve learned the lessons and I'm discovering there’s more to learn. I’m looking forward to being able to pay for the drinks.

Keep in mind that outliers exist, and you may be one of the lucky ones to find them. If you do, kudos and congratulations to you. Also, keep in mind that these lessons are based off my life experiences, and what I've learned. They may not all be relevant to your life. That's fine. We all have our hills, our valleys, our laughs to laugh and our crosses to bear. My purpose in life is to share my story in hopes that someone will learn from it and not fall down the same rabbit hole.

Consider me your Jay-Z.

*This isn’t inclusive, sorry, but still good advice.