Hi, my name is Monica, and I lie.

Okay, before I barrel down a spiral of self-degradation, yes, I tend to lie, but, when I do, it’s usually to lessen hurt or disappointment. It’s what we in society call, “white lies.” I, like most people (particularly women) were taught to offer a white lie in order to be polite.

This is a problem. Not only does it encourage lying, but it assumes that honesty is rude and impolite.

Please don’t take this as an admittance that I lie about everything, because I absolutely do not. Important things (meaning things that are important to me as well as things that are important to loved ones), no. But some little things, sure. In my quest to protect the feelings of others, I also carefully choose what and how I should say things. This isn’t necessarily bad, but I can do it to a fault. My over-explaining tends to make me look deceptive—like I have something to hide, when in truth, I really just want to ensure I don’t hurt someone I care about. Or I just want to make sure that the other person understands exactly what I’m saying.

Over-explaining has caused me much grief.

Over the last 8 weeks, I’ve been working out of “My Next 90 Days”, a goal-setting planner that guides you into a more deliberate life. It’s perfect for people like me who take the time to create a vision board whenever I feel my life is off. Before diving in and writing your to-do lists and calendar invites however, you must create a vision for your next 90 days, made up of activities you plan to do to help reach it. One of my activities is: “lie less (gotta be practical here lol) or not at all.” While I’ve stumbled at times—I still tell people I’m awake when I’m really asleep—I have been intentional about being honest about my feelings and what I do/don’t want to do.

I’m making progress.

I know that lying is part of the human condition, and no one is completely honest all of the time (seriously, if they say they are—little girl, RUN), but I’m choosing to work on myself because my lack of total honesty about small things has negatively affected relationships that are incredibly important to me. I’ve never wanted to be someone considered untrustworthy, but, for the first time in my life, I’ve been called out. And I took notice. If I’m engaging with someone who already has trust issues*, being unintentionally deceptive or telling white lies makes them think I’m lying about the bigger, more important things as well. And although I know that given their trust issues, they’ll automatically be skeptical of everything I do or say, I do want to make sure I’m not doing things that would cause a reason to wonder.

At the core of it, white lies assume that the other person cannot handle the truth, and so instead, you try to control the outcome. Your intentions may be pure, but the impact can be potentially irreparable. Now, I’m not saying you shouldn’t take others’ feelings into consideration—remember, honesty isn’t impolite—or even that I’m never going to lie again—that requires a level of perfection that not even Jesus had—but I am dedicated to being more straightforward and deliberate with my actions and my words.

I may even get to a point where I can freely tell someone I’m asleep when they call.

*this is something that I understand I can’t fix, and can only be fixed through therapy.