Growing Up

I've realized that January 2017 is a month of growth for me.  I've learned more about taxes, finances, politics, etc. than I previously knew.  The kicker?? I'm actively seeking this information, not waiting for it to be given to me.  

That blurb connects to this article (wait, can I call it that) in a way that can only work in my mind, but whatever, let's go. 

I'm writing this the morning of Trump's Presidential Inauguration (that felt like taking a bullet, but I survived), and I plan to see this day through.  I'm not down at The Mall because I don't support him, but I will be watching from home.  I'm the kind of person who wants to watch the meteor hurl towards Earth; I like knowing what's coming.  It's not like I can just hibernate the next four years.

I feel like that needs to be rewritten: IT'S NOT LIKE I CAN JUST HIBERNATE THE NEXT FOUR YEARS.  

I mean really, come on y'all, if there's anytime we need to be woke and vigilant, it's now.  I refuse to turn my head away from the terrible, orange glow.  Instead, I'm staring it straight in the eye.  These next four years will be something for America, and even more for me.  I can feel it.  

Anyway, back to me being the kind of person who likes to know what's headed my way... One of my favorite stories about my grandpa (my momma's father) is his relationship with the KKK.  Yes, you read that correctly.  My grandfather, born in 1920, a dark-skinned Black man, had dealings with the Ku Klux Klan.  My mother's discovery of which went something like this:

Momma: Daddy, why are you watching that?!

Grandpa: (watching the KKK public access show) In order to defeat your enemy, you need to know how they think.  

....

In order to defeat your enemy, you need to know how they think.  In fact, my grandpa apparently really enjoyed learning the intricacies of the Klan, and even applied for membership.  Not on some "Black white Supremacist" stuff, but because he got sheer joy from the Klan (albeit unknowingly) accepting a dark-skinned Black man into membership (he was petty), and, most importantly, he was hell bent on their destruction.  You see, it didn't take a college degree for my grandpa to understand that sometimes destruction comes from within.   Actually, in most cases, true destruction is internal.  Think about it.  Even on a personal level, the most profound destruction is self-destruction, so of course that translates to organizations and institutions. Grandpa wanted to know their moves, their actions, their plans.  He wanted to know how they plotted the demise of Black people, so he could, in return, plot their demise.

Taking my cue from Grandpa, maybe it's time for me to get back in the mess and the murkiness that is American politics.  Maybe it's time to actually let my little light shine.  I am a voice in this world, and I deserve to be heard! Word to "A Different World."  So back to my first paragraph.  I'm growing up.  I'm making sure I'm informed.  I can't rely on others to teach me what I need to know.  I need to seek that information for myself.  Judge if you will, but admit that you may be guilty of the same.  

Either way, I refuse to hibernate for the next 4 years.  

Blow + Jeremiah

For weeks, I have been dealing with an internal battle.  My responsibility to this blog and its loyal followers, and my desire to remain true to myself have been waging war in my head and heart!  I can't eat.  I can't sleep.  I try to silence the endless screams for control, but they never seem to cease...   

Conscience: "Pfft...hyperbole much?!"

Me: "Well, I have to make it interesting."

Conscience: "Get your life."

Thanks conscience.  But really.  Ever since I began reading "Fire Shut Up in My Bones," I've been trying to decide whether or not I should finish it.  No disrespect to Charles Blow, but he didn't hold my attention.  It wasn't the length (c'mon, I've been reading books twice its size for a solid 15 years now), or the content, it was just...blah.  I was halfway through the book, and I felt like I was still waiting for something, anything to happen.  Don't get me wrong, plenty (there goes that exaggeration again), of things happened, but Blow didn't allow himself the opportunity to fully explore the important themes.  Tragedies were explained in 1-2 pages (if that), and were treated as afterthoughts going forward.  For someone who felt his tragedies shaped him, he didn't really give them their due.  Memoirs are supposed to be vulnerable, and it didn't feel like he was really ready to release.  I'm completely here for his next book when/if he does release.  You know the feeling of something being rushed, yet at the same time trudging along?  That's what I felt while reading "Fire Shut Up in My Bones."  I had a similar experience with Chimimanda Ngozi Adichie's "Americanah," which, by the way, I purchased in 2013 and still haven't finished.

I really need to stop falling for the hype.

What I did notice in "Bones" (of course I shortened the title, I'm American), was that my sociological imagination was constantly firing.  Perhaps that's why I didn't enjoy the book as much as others--I was analyzing it!  As my grad school professor told me (Hey Dr. DeFreece!), I couldn't see the forest for the trees.  Geez, $45,000 in loans later, and you would think I would have learned that lesson.  Anyway, different things jumped out at me, and I'd like to share them:

(As found in my Notes app)

Pg. 42: (As I'm reading this) I often forget how young Blow is.  That is, until he references pop culture that's only a generation removed.  I'm imagining him and his family in the 1940's or before--sharecroppers, who live under the rule of Jim Crow.  I guess that's what extreme poverty can do.  It can keep you in the past.  The greatest history lesson ever.

Page 93: He often felt alone, and abandoned.  He's the perfect target.

note: when I say, "He's the perfect target."  I am in no way excusing what happened to him, or any child who is almost or actually abused.  It is a tragedy.  The person who commits the act, is just as tragic.  I wonder what life experiences they had to bring them to that point...Before I allow myself to climb my soapbox, just know that I do not believe that Blow ever invited any of his abuse.  While his introversion and self-seclusion makes him easier to abuse, it is inexcusable.  

Carry on.

Page 95: "Loneliness became my truest and dearest friend."

This just breaks my heart, and ties in with the earlier note.

Page 122: ...early sexualization of kids...impoverished kids... Does a link exist here?  Note to self: start researching.

Page 129: Daddy issues?

It is fascinating that only women are accused of having "Daddy issues."  As if men can't long for the love of an absent or abusive father, and go looking for it in the wrong places.  Blow is someone who definitely has "Daddy issues."

That is where I stopped.  I couldn't go on.  No mas.  Feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below, that is, you know, if you actually read along with me. :) Brownie points to the person who can explain the title of this post.     

Audible Dropout...

For the past few months, I have had an account with Audible.com.  Although I'm not an auditory learner, I assumed this would help me continue consuming books for leisure, and decided to give it a shot.

After $21, 6 books, only 2 likes, and countless hours of my day spent searching for the book, I have decided to pass.  I just thought they would be more entertaining.  I assumed the books, especially novels, would be acted out instead of just read.  I tried listening to books that couldn't keep my attention on paper, memoirs, novels, essays, you name it, but nothing worked!  Hillary Rodham Clinton and Tina Fey were the only two who could hold my attention, and HRC's book was over 20 hours long!  Proving either I'm a glutton for punishment, or I really enjoy books on foreign policy.  I like to think I'm somewhere in between.     

Sorry Audible, I tried.  And failed.  Hard.

Then again, my mind changes like the wind, so perhaps I will find the book, or the book will find me...until then, I will continue to let my podcasts, Pandora, and Netflix get me through my workday.   

Begin.

So, here I am, sitting at my cubicle, crafting what could either be the best decision of my life or a waste of $120.  Only time will tell.  

My challenge between now and Thursday is to find a book that I want to read for January.  The issue with that though is that I'm the kind of person who can really get lost in a book store, physical or online, and/or library.  Instead of just picking one title, rocking with it, and moving on, I agonize over the decision, and before I know it, I've spent no less than 2 hours with nothing to show for it.  

Wish me luck!