When I woke this morning, I prayed. I thanked God for God’s undying love (as shown through the Resurrection), I thanked God for the ability to love myself, despite myself, and for placing people in my life who love me too. I then began my practice of self-love. I decided that, although this is my first Valentine’s Day as an unmarried woman, I’d still celebrate. I put on my romantic, burgundy colored, lace dress, my tights and boots, and even upped my daily makeup game (meaning: I threw on eyeliner). I was excited to face the day.

It is not lost on me the significance of Valentine’s Day and Ash Wednesday occurring on the same day. Celebrating a day of love, that also ushers in the season where we focus on God’s love…while we spend the next 40 days dying to our former selves in order to fully appreciate that love.

As I stood in Ash Wednesday service, my ears perked when the pastor discussed that last part: dying to our former selves. This past week, I’ve been having intense conversations that have forced me to think introspectively and admit truths about myself that I’ve often avoided out of comfort. In the spirit of transparency, I was frustrated by these conversations, and desperately wanted the person with whom I was having them to leave me alone. Seriously, I even begged, y’all. But as I heard the pastor say, “…dying to our former selves…” I heard God giving me the reason for those conversations.

In order to die to ourselves, we must first face ourselves. And that is never easy.

But God wasn’t finished.

“You said you wanted to grow, right?” “You said you wanted to change.” “Well, in order to experience that change, you have to go through the tears, the difficult conversations, the heartbreaking realizations, forgive yourself, and then you must purge yourself of your past.” “You know that stuck feeling you’ve been having lately?”

Yeah…

“That’s your past; it’s holding you back. Your future is much brighter, but you can’t get to it if you don’t let go.” "You detox everything else, why not try your soul this time?"

That friend, I realized, was right. And here God was affirming it. I could feel the joy, and a sense of freedom, bubbling inside me. My prayers were being answered, my life begging me to start anew. Finally, I am ready.

So what’s next?

Well, tonight I continue loving self as I dine on my favorite risotto dish, and watch Chris Rock’s Netflix special. Then I'll get a good night's rest. As for my bright future? I'll tackle it tomorrow.

Happy Valentine’s Day!